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Gambling Humor And Funny Jokes

Whether you are winning or losing in gambling, you should never forget to laugh. Get a break and laugh your heart out to these funniest collection of jokes from the web.

Poker-playing Dog

Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets. "The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep."

"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."

"Had to," the man replied. "Caught him using marked cards!"

Drop Dead Poker

Six guys are over at Stan's house for their weekly poker game. Abe is having a bad run and keeps losing. Finally he decides to go for broke - all or nothing. He bets everything he has and loses over $500 on the hand. He clutches his chest, chokes, turns blue in the face and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete the hand standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Don Smith, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. Remember that Abe's wife may not be so well, either.

"Gentlemen! Me, discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Don walks over to Abe's house and knocks on the door. Abe's wife answers and asks what he wants.

Don says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker."

She hollers, "Why that no-good so and so! Tell him to drop dead!"

Don says, "I'll tell him."

Top 10 signs you're at a bad casino

The Top 10 List has been a regular segment on The Late Show with David Letterman since 1985 when it made its debut with "The Top Ten Things That Almost Rhyme with Peas" while Letterman was still on NBC.

23 years later, and now on CBS, the show and the segment are still going strong.

On April 29, 2005, the segment even poked fun at the gambling industry, listing the "Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Casino":

  • Your full house loses to the dealer's six-of-a-kind.
  • They're playing "Will It Float?" [ed: regular Letterman segment]  in the lobby with a bag of fertilizer.
  • There's a high-stakes table, a low-stakes table, and a kids table.
  • Has strict no-gambling policy.
  • Advertises that its slots are "almost as loose as your wife."
  • Free buffet is all-you-can-eat lemon wedges.
  • One spin of roulette wheel lasts 7 to 10 days.
  • Their big headliner: The withered corpse of [the late jazz singer] Mel Torme.
  • No Rat Pack, but there are packs of rats.
  • It has the word "Trump" in the name.

Who, Me Gambling?

A priest, minister, and rabbi are playing poker when the police raid the game. Turning to the priest, the senior officer asks:

"Father Shaunessy, were you gambling?"

The priest turns his eyes to heaven, murmuring "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No officer, it was just a social game."

The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Fredrick, were you gambling?"

Again, after a message to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldschmitt, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "So with whom would I be gambling?"

Dumb Blonde at the Casino

A young sexy blonde went to Las Vegas and found herself in a casino.

She had been in the casino for about an hour, and realized she was thirsty.

So the blonde went to the pop machine in the hall.

She put $1.00 in and a Pepsi came out, she put another $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out, she put one last $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out.

A man who worked at the casino saw what the dumb blond was doing and asked her “What are you doing?”

The sexy dumb blonde responded “Duh!! Winning!!!”

A Little Old Gambler Lady

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It's a lot of money!”

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”

The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”

The old woman said, “Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president, “That's a stupid bet.

You can never win that kind of bet!”

The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

“Sure,” said the president, “I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?”

“Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president's balls are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president,”$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?”

She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand.”

Pissed and Laugh

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends.

A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.''

The bartender replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.''

So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop.

The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.''

So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing.

He doesn't even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place. In the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything.

After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $1,000.'' The man paid the money with a big smile on his face.

The bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?''

The man replied, ''You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.''

The Winning Slot Machine

Two blonde friends, Jenny and Jane, went together to play the slot machines at the casino.

The blondes agreed that when their allotted gambling money was gone, she would go sit on the beach and wait for the other to finish gambling.

Jane quickly lost all of her money and went to sit on the beach.

The blonde patiently waited and waited and waited and waited on the beach.

After what seemed an eternity, she saw her blonde friend Jenny coming toward her carrying a huge sack of coins!

“Hey, Jane,” said Jenny, “how’d you do?”

“Well, Jenny”, said Jane, “you see me here on the beach, what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though.”

“Oh yeah,” said Jenny, “did I find a good slot machine! It’s way in the back. I’ll show it to you, you can’t lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!”

Lottery Winner!

A man rushed into his house and yelled to his wife, ‘Mary, pack up your things. I just won the National Lottery!’

‘Brilliant,’ replied Mary, ‘shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’

‘I don't care.’ the man sneered, ‘just so long as you're out of the house by noon!’

Gambling For Wife

Bill was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the swine, ‘What right have you got to be making love to my wife?’

‘You may as well know that I am in love with her and I would like to marry her.’ the man answered calmly, ‘I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.’

‘Okay,’ replied Bill, ‘but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point as well?’


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